I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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