i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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