I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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