i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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