Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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