just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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