Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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