i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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