my soul wont recognize me after tonight
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
