Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Success! We fucked roommates!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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