some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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