I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize