I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
