Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I pour the whiskey from now on
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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