Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
