What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
