I love black thongs
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
