so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
