Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Randomize
