8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
