Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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