Don't make out with my wife yet
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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