Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
