went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
