In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
