Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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