Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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