I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you had me at cake vodka
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
