She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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