ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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