I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
