New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
