if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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