Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
