fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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