My friends, they love my intelligence
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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