vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
