his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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