Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
