She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
