My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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