ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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