he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
