I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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