Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
