Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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