My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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