you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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