Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
