I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
