Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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