and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
