Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
