Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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