I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
