i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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