My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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