I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
