You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize