I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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