I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
