Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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