I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
