At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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