Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize