He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
