just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
